At my 20th college reunion I staged a panel on failing better since I didn't want to hear everyone just bragging about their great boring successes like usual. It was so much nicer to learn from mistakes.
And also - OMG smell. I always used to say computers won't be complete until they are scratch and sniff. Who knew there was a guy out there trying to add smell. Fun.
I love this!! I would have totally attended that panel! So much more to learn from failure than success. And yes internet smell was a thing - apparently a failure but some are still trying!
Such touching writing, Sabrina ... giving me pause to think. I know - and I have recently started to open myself up to it - that I have avoided trying a bunch of new things because 'I only want to do things I think I'll be good at' ... a fear of (public) failure, having grown up in a competitive work environment, a hierarchy, within which you had to claw your way up. I'm older now, of course, better able to acknowledge that learning only comes with trying. Your writing is very insightful.
Thank you so much and I’m really glad to hear this touched a chord. It’s so hard to fail and it’s just as challenging to write about our failures. But it’s a fear that holds us back from so many potential gifts and adventures. I hope this will inspire you to try new things and I can’t wait to hear about them!
I love this! We're so afraid of failure, but it's also the best teacher. Thank you for helping me think through failure from multiple perspectives. And that final exercise! So powerful. I've certainly got lots of rejection letters I could pull from.😂
Thank you so much Jillian! We really are so scared of failing - and I was terrified to write about failure! 🫣 I’m so glad this resonated with you. Would love to see if you create something from your rejection letters, it felt so liberating to use them in this way!
Any writer knows that writing is a dance with failure — a practice of fear, ideas, thought, words, frustration, dismay, more fear, more words, cleaning the toilet, revision, sweeping the floor, more revision, acceptance. Then more revision. This month's Seven Senses helps me move that process in a good way elsewhere in my life. So thanks for that. And this really resonates: "I recently heard that 'failure is a deviation from expected results.' But the expectations are often set by our culture, our peers, our capitalistic system. Rarely do we define failure for ourselves."
Thanks for this reflection Bryan – so true! it reminds me of a quote from the podcast 'Art of Failure' where Lubaina Himid said "you can’t succeed at a work of art unless you dance with failure". And what a rhythmic dance it is! Failure sometimes steps on my toes and makes me dizzy with its spins, but somehow if I trust the process, it does guide me to where I need to be. I hope you enjoy the dance!
Every year I try at least one new venture. Most of these fall flat on their faces, but I don’t regret a single one. It’s the adrenaline of the new as much as the lessons learned that keeps me coming back
I love the idea of trying a new venture every year! What will it be this year?? I can’t imagine how much you learn every time -- and it’s ok to fall flat on our faces! Failure is just a “deviation from expectations” ;)
Also, is it possible that our society is built only on success and not failure? I see so many successful people on the internet/instagram/, everywhere, and so few cases of people who are willing to talk about failure. People grow up thinking that you *can't* fail and that failure is shameful, literally living in a bubble and unable to face disappointment.
Facing disappointment is so hard! And I’m slowly learning to do it... and to not take it as a rejection of whom I am. Not letting the external world define my value is a constant exercise!
I definitely see society as built on success while shying from failures- at an exponential rate. We often see ourselves as an extension of our work, and as a result, treat ourselves like a product. If that picture perfect instagram moment(ie, the majority of moments we see these days) gets a lot of likes, then that post/product is considered a success. And since that post is an extension of us, we’re a success now, too.
But that also means that in life, we believe that to be unliked is to be a failure. What if instead it were, “if this demonstrates my values, then it’s a success”, or “if producing this makes me feel good, then it’s a success” or “if I try a new technique and observe my medium doing something different, then this is a success”? And instead of “if they don’t like this creation, I’m a failure”, it’s “if I don’t create anything, I’m a failure”.
Not doing anything is definitely a failure. Doing anything at all is a success of some form.
That being said, being likable usually means more money, more money means more time, and more time means creating more of what you love.
Is there a version of success that doesn’t involve being liked? Is there a version of success that doesn’t involve making money? True success seems like it would be free of these constructs, and simultaneously, impossible.
If “success” is impossible and “failure” inevitable, maybe we should stop glorifying success and start publicly failing more.
“When we rely on external factors – our jobs, our relationships, our social status – as a measure of success or failure, we are bound to come tumbling down the ladder of self-esteem. When we let the outside world define our worth, it will always fail us.” I’ve been struggling with a need for external validation for as long as I can remember. I thought that once I retired from regular employment, that need would diminish, fade away. Instead, I’m still questioning everything I do, whether it’s my writing or my new-found obsession with weaving potholders. Is what I do of value to the external world? If not, then why do it? My husband is the opposite of me. He enjoys macro photography for the joy it gives him, first and foremost. I’m trying to be more like him 🙂 Anyway, thank you so much for this essay. It’s difficult to undo 60+ years of learned behavior, but your essay inspires me to keep trying ... and to embrace my “failures.”
Oh Marie! How I can relate! That need for external validation runs deep within me too. Part of it I think is human (we’re a social special/ we need to belong) and the other part of it, I believe, is a lack of self-esteem. But I think the more we learn to fail, the less external validation we need. Writing this piece - and connecting with people like yourself - liberated some of that for me. ♥️
In the past I’ve been overly sensitive to rejection. Despite knowing that those rejections are pushing me to reflect within and choose the direction in which I’ll grow, it’s easy to get paralyzed by the feeling and simply do nothing at all. I’ll definitely be trying your rejection scrabble the next time I need some perspective and an outlet for that energy. Your vulnerability in your own failures (or rather, in trying) is admirable. Thank you for sharing your humanity with us 💕
Thank you so much Elise! I am the same way - rejection has always been a sensitive thing and it has often stopped me from pursuing my passions. I’m glad opening up about my failure is inspiring a new outlook! ♥️
Sometimes I think, what if these great artists ( Lukas, King) gave up? What if they decided to not write anymore after the 30th rejection? You surely need a dose of resoluteness to carry on your projects and dream, and probably, a small one of insanity as well. But I perfectly agree that "Art comes out of failure" and that "our biggest failure is not being willing to fail." People who gain success have certainly failed many times, and probably more than others who have already given up.
I think of that too! And I’m so glad these artists pushed through their many failure : we get to enjoy the fruits of their determination! Failure is definitely a big part of any success. Let’s fail more!
Hi Sabrina, this is my first time here so thank you for sharing these thoughts. It’s a topic worthy of constant reiteration throughout the many phases of our lives and a practice we’re literally forced to relearn countless times.
I’m sorry for your loss and happy to hear of all that you’ve gained. Keep going.
Hi Ryan, thanks for being here. You started with a tough read! Failure is definitely worth exploring throughout our lives, as it comes in many different forms. Thank you so much for your encouraging words and sweet wishes. 🤍
Wonderful reflections and I so needed to hear this! And I really appreciated the quote “failure is a deviation from expectation.” I’ve also heard that “expectation is the root of all heartache.” Seems as if our expectations can really muddy up this human experience!
Thanks so much Kimberly! Appreciate your thoughtful comment. And YES: expectations are such a source of most of our headaches / heartaches! Another one I heard is “expectations are premeditated resentments.”
Love this piece. People, I believe, are so afraid of failure that they will do almost anything to “try” to keep it at bay. The participation trophy comes to mind 🤔. I know from my struggles with recovery from alcohol, that some of the best things in life come from failure, pain and change. I have, in the last almost six years, have had to let go of many friends and even family when I decided to really make an immense amount of change in my life. I always say that was “tired of quitting quitting”, so I decided to not do that anymore. Sometimes I feel sad for people, places and things that I’ve had to let go. I am so grateful that these days I am able to move on from that sadness and get on with living life on life’s terms...even if that means failing at some things.
So true! The fear of failure is so real and holds us back so many times. The same goes for letting go - of people, habits, etc. But often what replaces those come in the form of more joy, serenity and alignment. I’m glad to hear you’re taking that risk, it’s so worth it! ♥️
It is worth it! Always nice to know other people are no longer willing to settle and live a life of quiet desperation. I try to share my experience, strength and hope anywhere I can. Thank you for sharing yours too. ☮️
“Often our biggest failure is not being willing to fail. The opposite of failure is not success but complacency.” Thanks for your transparency in this post. I felt it and was encouraged. Keep up the good work.
“many of my career successes drove me further and further away from who I am”
We live in a world where outward appearances matter greatly, and that can distract us from our true desires. Especially given the perceived risks in making a major change or course-correction.
It’s so true that outward experiences can take precedence over internal desires! Such a challenge to be true to ourselves. I feel like that’s when failure comes in as a gift, a way to redirect us show us a new path and approach.
I'm all about failure! I'm a pro!
At my 20th college reunion I staged a panel on failing better since I didn't want to hear everyone just bragging about their great boring successes like usual. It was so much nicer to learn from mistakes.
And also - OMG smell. I always used to say computers won't be complete until they are scratch and sniff. Who knew there was a guy out there trying to add smell. Fun.
I love this!! I would have totally attended that panel! So much more to learn from failure than success. And yes internet smell was a thing - apparently a failure but some are still trying!
Such touching writing, Sabrina ... giving me pause to think. I know - and I have recently started to open myself up to it - that I have avoided trying a bunch of new things because 'I only want to do things I think I'll be good at' ... a fear of (public) failure, having grown up in a competitive work environment, a hierarchy, within which you had to claw your way up. I'm older now, of course, better able to acknowledge that learning only comes with trying. Your writing is very insightful.
Thank you so much and I’m really glad to hear this touched a chord. It’s so hard to fail and it’s just as challenging to write about our failures. But it’s a fear that holds us back from so many potential gifts and adventures. I hope this will inspire you to try new things and I can’t wait to hear about them!
I love this! We're so afraid of failure, but it's also the best teacher. Thank you for helping me think through failure from multiple perspectives. And that final exercise! So powerful. I've certainly got lots of rejection letters I could pull from.😂
Thank you so much Jillian! We really are so scared of failing - and I was terrified to write about failure! 🫣 I’m so glad this resonated with you. Would love to see if you create something from your rejection letters, it felt so liberating to use them in this way!
Any writer knows that writing is a dance with failure — a practice of fear, ideas, thought, words, frustration, dismay, more fear, more words, cleaning the toilet, revision, sweeping the floor, more revision, acceptance. Then more revision. This month's Seven Senses helps me move that process in a good way elsewhere in my life. So thanks for that. And this really resonates: "I recently heard that 'failure is a deviation from expected results.' But the expectations are often set by our culture, our peers, our capitalistic system. Rarely do we define failure for ourselves."
Thanks for this reflection Bryan – so true! it reminds me of a quote from the podcast 'Art of Failure' where Lubaina Himid said "you can’t succeed at a work of art unless you dance with failure". And what a rhythmic dance it is! Failure sometimes steps on my toes and makes me dizzy with its spins, but somehow if I trust the process, it does guide me to where I need to be. I hope you enjoy the dance!
Wise, insightful words indeed, Sabrina.
Every year I try at least one new venture. Most of these fall flat on their faces, but I don’t regret a single one. It’s the adrenaline of the new as much as the lessons learned that keeps me coming back
I love the idea of trying a new venture every year! What will it be this year?? I can’t imagine how much you learn every time -- and it’s ok to fall flat on our faces! Failure is just a “deviation from expectations” ;)
Also, is it possible that our society is built only on success and not failure? I see so many successful people on the internet/instagram/, everywhere, and so few cases of people who are willing to talk about failure. People grow up thinking that you *can't* fail and that failure is shameful, literally living in a bubble and unable to face disappointment.
Facing disappointment is so hard! And I’m slowly learning to do it... and to not take it as a rejection of whom I am. Not letting the external world define my value is a constant exercise!
I definitely see society as built on success while shying from failures- at an exponential rate. We often see ourselves as an extension of our work, and as a result, treat ourselves like a product. If that picture perfect instagram moment(ie, the majority of moments we see these days) gets a lot of likes, then that post/product is considered a success. And since that post is an extension of us, we’re a success now, too.
But that also means that in life, we believe that to be unliked is to be a failure. What if instead it were, “if this demonstrates my values, then it’s a success”, or “if producing this makes me feel good, then it’s a success” or “if I try a new technique and observe my medium doing something different, then this is a success”? And instead of “if they don’t like this creation, I’m a failure”, it’s “if I don’t create anything, I’m a failure”.
Not doing anything is definitely a failure. Doing anything at all is a success of some form.
That being said, being likable usually means more money, more money means more time, and more time means creating more of what you love.
Is there a version of success that doesn’t involve being liked? Is there a version of success that doesn’t involve making money? True success seems like it would be free of these constructs, and simultaneously, impossible.
If “success” is impossible and “failure” inevitable, maybe we should stop glorifying success and start publicly failing more.
YES! I feel like we always hear about success stories and not often enough about it’s counterpart, failure. They’re two sides of the same coin!
“When we rely on external factors – our jobs, our relationships, our social status – as a measure of success or failure, we are bound to come tumbling down the ladder of self-esteem. When we let the outside world define our worth, it will always fail us.” I’ve been struggling with a need for external validation for as long as I can remember. I thought that once I retired from regular employment, that need would diminish, fade away. Instead, I’m still questioning everything I do, whether it’s my writing or my new-found obsession with weaving potholders. Is what I do of value to the external world? If not, then why do it? My husband is the opposite of me. He enjoys macro photography for the joy it gives him, first and foremost. I’m trying to be more like him 🙂 Anyway, thank you so much for this essay. It’s difficult to undo 60+ years of learned behavior, but your essay inspires me to keep trying ... and to embrace my “failures.”
Oh Marie! How I can relate! That need for external validation runs deep within me too. Part of it I think is human (we’re a social special/ we need to belong) and the other part of it, I believe, is a lack of self-esteem. But I think the more we learn to fail, the less external validation we need. Writing this piece - and connecting with people like yourself - liberated some of that for me. ♥️
In the past I’ve been overly sensitive to rejection. Despite knowing that those rejections are pushing me to reflect within and choose the direction in which I’ll grow, it’s easy to get paralyzed by the feeling and simply do nothing at all. I’ll definitely be trying your rejection scrabble the next time I need some perspective and an outlet for that energy. Your vulnerability in your own failures (or rather, in trying) is admirable. Thank you for sharing your humanity with us 💕
Thank you so much Elise! I am the same way - rejection has always been a sensitive thing and it has often stopped me from pursuing my passions. I’m glad opening up about my failure is inspiring a new outlook! ♥️
Sometimes I think, what if these great artists ( Lukas, King) gave up? What if they decided to not write anymore after the 30th rejection? You surely need a dose of resoluteness to carry on your projects and dream, and probably, a small one of insanity as well. But I perfectly agree that "Art comes out of failure" and that "our biggest failure is not being willing to fail." People who gain success have certainly failed many times, and probably more than others who have already given up.
I think of that too! And I’m so glad these artists pushed through their many failure : we get to enjoy the fruits of their determination! Failure is definitely a big part of any success. Let’s fail more!
Was just listening to Ed Sheeran talk about this all important topic! Lovely post.
Thank you Kathleen! 🤍
Hi Sabrina, this is my first time here so thank you for sharing these thoughts. It’s a topic worthy of constant reiteration throughout the many phases of our lives and a practice we’re literally forced to relearn countless times.
I’m sorry for your loss and happy to hear of all that you’ve gained. Keep going.
Hi Ryan, thanks for being here. You started with a tough read! Failure is definitely worth exploring throughout our lives, as it comes in many different forms. Thank you so much for your encouraging words and sweet wishes. 🤍
Wonderful reflections and I so needed to hear this! And I really appreciated the quote “failure is a deviation from expectation.” I’ve also heard that “expectation is the root of all heartache.” Seems as if our expectations can really muddy up this human experience!
Thanks so much Kimberly! Appreciate your thoughtful comment. And YES: expectations are such a source of most of our headaches / heartaches! Another one I heard is “expectations are premeditated resentments.”
Love this piece. People, I believe, are so afraid of failure that they will do almost anything to “try” to keep it at bay. The participation trophy comes to mind 🤔. I know from my struggles with recovery from alcohol, that some of the best things in life come from failure, pain and change. I have, in the last almost six years, have had to let go of many friends and even family when I decided to really make an immense amount of change in my life. I always say that was “tired of quitting quitting”, so I decided to not do that anymore. Sometimes I feel sad for people, places and things that I’ve had to let go. I am so grateful that these days I am able to move on from that sadness and get on with living life on life’s terms...even if that means failing at some things.
So true! The fear of failure is so real and holds us back so many times. The same goes for letting go - of people, habits, etc. But often what replaces those come in the form of more joy, serenity and alignment. I’m glad to hear you’re taking that risk, it’s so worth it! ♥️
It is worth it! Always nice to know other people are no longer willing to settle and live a life of quiet desperation. I try to share my experience, strength and hope anywhere I can. Thank you for sharing yours too. ☮️
“Often our biggest failure is not being willing to fail. The opposite of failure is not success but complacency.” Thanks for your transparency in this post. I felt it and was encouraged. Keep up the good work.
Thanks so much Ronald! I really got honest and vulnerable in this post so means a lot that it feels encouraging to others! 🫶
This spoke to me a lot. Especially this:
“many of my career successes drove me further and further away from who I am”
We live in a world where outward appearances matter greatly, and that can distract us from our true desires. Especially given the perceived risks in making a major change or course-correction.
Kudos for being on the path that you’re on ✨
It’s so true that outward experiences can take precedence over internal desires! Such a challenge to be true to ourselves. I feel like that’s when failure comes in as a gift, a way to redirect us show us a new path and approach.
Yes! Fail better! Wonderful post, Sabrina and thank you for the shout-out. ❤️
Thank you so much Jolene! I loved learning about this version of the tarte tatin - thanks for educating me on one of my favorite dishes! 🍎🥧