Spot it? Need it.
Present Sense № 21
Welcome to Present Sense – a weekend curation for Paid Subscribers – with 7 sensory recommendations: something to SEE, HEAR, SMELL, TASTE, TOUCH, BALANCE and ENVISION. Each edition also includes an audio guided meditation.
There’s a saying that goes “You spot it, you got it.” It means that when you notice something that bothers you in someone, it’s probably because you also engage in that same behavior.
We all have traits that we dislike in ourselves, but out of a lack of awareness or acceptance, we often tend to project that aversion onto the outside world. We criticize the obnoxious honking driver, yet we dismiss the times we’ve acted impatiently behind the wheel. We’re appalled when someone is rude to the store clerk, but overlook when we’ve used harsh words with our own family. We feel indignant when others abuse their power, but ignore the ways in which we leverage our own privilege.
Our reactions to people’s conduct often reveal more about us than others. They act as pointers towards buried wounds. If we get curious about them, they can be clues to investigate hidden truths about ourselves.
What we notice doesn’t always reveal what we are, but sometimes what we lack. I’ve found the wise saying “You spot it, you got it” also works in reverse: “You spot it, you need it.” Meditation teacher Jack Kornfield wrote a great story that illustrates this exact point, recounted from an older nun:
“In my second community there were only a dozen nuns. I liked all but two. One was lazy and the other was self-absorbed. After my first year I was in the kitchen complaining to a friend, who said, “You know these are really not bad people. What is it that gets to you?” I said, “One is lazy and the other takes too much care of herself,” and she replied, “Well, you ought to be more lazy and take better care of yourself!”
I could relate to the nun’s irritation: laziness and self-absorption are also characteristics that I tend to judge harshly. When in reality, they’re often traits that I need to lean into more – perhaps even qualities I unconsciously admire. Sometimes our aversion can reveal our secret desires. It’s a sort of a reverse psychology of envy.
But how can we embody what we loathe?
The solution isn’t necessarily based on the conduct, but rather our perception of it. We resist developing characteristics that we judge as “negative.” We are so firmly rooted in our belief system, that we feel justified in labeling self-absorption and laziness as inferior to being selfless and overworked. But our self-righteousness often masks self-judgment. Our inability to take time for ourselves drives us to belittle those who can.
We also tend to think in extremes: lazy on one end of the spectrum and hard-working on the other. When the balance often lies in inching towards the middle. We don’t need to completely slack and stop showing up, but perhaps start having healthier boundaries at work (or elsewhere).
As long as we think in binaries, we stay stuck in the judgment loop – continuing to resist what we need most to embrace. Next week I’ll share the behavior that irks me most, and how I’m learning to adopt it. I’d be curious to hear which traits you tend to judge but need to lean more into?
This week’s seven sensory suggestions include the book which inspired this essay; a recipe for an easy versatile sauce; a nature wonder thanks to my friend
; and a guided music meditation in collaboration with .In Joy,
Sabrina
