Four Strangers on a Balcony
Present Sense № 37
Welcome to Present Sense – a weekend curation with 7 sensory recommendations: something to SEE, HEAR, SMELL, TASTE, TOUCH, BALANCE and ENVISION.
I stepped out onto the deck for a little quiet moment. It was the second birthday party of the night and I needed to catch my breath. I noticed two sliding doors at the end of the living room, which led to a little balcony. One table, three chairs, and a bunch of cacti against the railing. No one was out there, so I took a seat, slowly sipping on my cocktail. It felt like a little respite from the music and the overlapping conversations.
Most people were hovering around the dining room table, enjoying the exquisite food that had been served: wagyu beef, Japanese sweet potatoes topped with miso, stuffed lettuce cups, clams with panko displayed on a bed of ice with lemon wedges. Our friend’s wife had hired a wonderful chef to mark the occasion of a new decade.
Other guests were on the rooftop, enjoying the view. The house was perched on a hill, overlooking the hip neighborhood of Silverlake, on the east side of Los Angeles. You could see the mountains across the way with thousands of shining home lights and hear the distant hum of the freeway.
After a few minutes, two people popped their heads outside and asked if they could join me. At first, I assumed they were a couple but later learned they had just met. They seemed to be seeking the same thing: a little pocket of calm. Shortly after, another person joined us: a woman in her 70s wearing lavender colored glasses.
I forget how our chat started but it didn’t include any of the usual ice breakers. None of us asked what we did for work, nor what neighborhood we lived in: two parameters typically used to measure someone’s career and social class, and whether one can benefit from it.
Somehow our little foursome got into a perfect conversational groove, with one interesting question leading to another, revealing the most unusual yet fascinating aspects of ourselves. Some of these included:
What was the most fun time of your life?
What age do you feel inside? (it felt fitting that each of us are in different decades, spanning 30s to 70s – though none of us “felt” like our age)
Does being a parent make you feel more immature or mature? (only one person in the group – the man – was a parent)
Are you ambitious? (this spurred a debate on what ambition is). Does ambition make us fulfilled or dissatisfied?
Do you crave or shy away from the spotlight?
At some point, my husband and his boisterous friend came out to see us. But somehow their presence disturbed the group’s harmonious exchange, my partner noticed and lured his friend back inside. When we drove back home later that night, he told me he could sense that our group had created a delicate and perfect balance and he didn’t want to intrude. Him and I then discussed how magical those moments are – when four strangers find each other at a party and engage in the most enthralling conversation for hours. How does it happen?
Even though I don’t think these types of connections can be forced, I believe a few ingredients can help us concoct them:
Phones Off / Conversations On: I had purposely left my phone at home that day, with the intention of being present at both birthday parties, and not distracted by my machine. If I hadn’t made that choice, I would have used that moment alone on the balcony as an excuse to scroll, which would have made me less approachable.
Be Curious/ Stay Open: I think I got lucky that the people who joined me naturally have those qualities. We were all so open to meeting new people and wanting to forge genuine connections. It also helped that none of us knew each other so we were all starting at the same leveled ground as strangers getting to know one another.
Ask Questions / Listen to Answers: This correlates to being curious but it also relates to being truly attentive in a conversation. My partner noticed that when he caught a glimpse of our group dynamics that there wasn’t a dominant “leader” in the group. We weren’t all hovering around someone who hordes all the attention. We naturally took turns to ask and answer questions. I later found out that our group was composed of a documentary filmmaker, a poet, a podcaster and a writer – so we’re all very apt at question-asking.
Be Present / Don’t Future Plan: When connections like these happen, it is so tempting to want to carry them out into the future. I had to restrain myself from asking everyone’s phone numbers and make plans to get together. I did succumb to exchanging contacts with one of the women, and we’re hoping to grab coffee soon. But I have to remind myself that a connection can be both deep and fleeting. We can share the best conversation for one night and never see each other again. It doesn’t make the exchange sad or less meaningful (which I used to believe) but rather reminds us that impermanence imbues moments with beauty.
I’m hoping to carry these learnings to the next summer parties and celebrations – into all areas of my life, really. May they open doors to deep connections, expansive conversations, and soft moments of presence.
This weekend’s Present Sense edition includes the sensory discoveries that have inspired me lately – with something to SEE, HEAR, SMELL, TASTE, TOUCH, BALANCE and ENVISION.
In Joy,
Sabrina
