Found in Translation
Found in Translation
The Friendship Series | Episode 2: Cultural Friendships
Welcome to the summer Friendship Series. Each week, I’ll explore a different aspect of friendship, sharing audio interviews with over a dozen friends, as well as 7 sensory ways to explore friendship.
Last summer, I spent a month back home in France, visiting family and friends. I hadn’t been since before the pandemic so I was trying to make up for lost time. A good part of it was dedicated to catching up with dear friends, most of whom I’ve known for more than 20 years.
As someone who grew up between the US and France, I’ve always had friends on both sides of the pond. It didn’t occur to me how different those friendships were, except one group spoke English and the other French. But this latest visit spotlighted the ways in which culture shapes friendship.
It’s hard to not fall into generalizations when writing about culture, or make my subjective experience the general cultural norm. To offer a nuanced perspective, I reached out to seven friends from multicultural backgrounds, who grew up in various places, or moved to a new country in adulthood, including:
- : Swedish-American, grew up in the US and lived in Sweden and France.
Gala Delmont Benatar: Venezuelan, grew up in Venezuela and the US.
Michael Reynolds: American, recently moved to Portugal.
Rachel Reid Wilkie: English, lived in Italy, Sweden, and the US.
- : American, grew up in France.
Zandie Brockett: Chinese-American, grew up in the US and moved to China.
Kristine: Danish-American, grew up in the US and Denmark, and lived in Thailand and Mexico.
You can listen to the edited audio interviews at the bottom of this essay.
In Joy,
Sabrina
PS: if you missed last week’s edition, read & listen here:
Fast vs. Slow
One of the European clichés that matches reality is the slower paced lifestyle. It’s visible in the way people walk, eat, and interact. It’s not uncommon in France to have a dinner that lasts over 3 hours. No one is in a hurry to get to dessert. In fact, the longer each course takes, the better. Meals aren’t made to simply sustain our bodies, they’re also ways to nurture our connections.
That slow lingering pace is a way of extending joy – making delicious moments last longer. Even though they too have work meetings to attend, kids to pick up from school, groceries to shop, they don’t seem as anxious about the ticking clock. As a result, there is rarely the sense of rush that I often feel in the US.
Spontaneity vs. Planning
I was envious of my French friends’ ability to seamlessly get together on a whim. It didn’t seem to entail an advanced production but rather a spontaneous text to meet at their neighborhood cafe, bar or restaurant.
The reason may be that most European cities are quite small. Even in capitals, like Paris, it’s relatively easy to get from one end of the city to another, whether by public transportation, walking or biking.
On the other hand, the American landscape is known for its expansiveness, reflected in urban centers. The wider the sprawl, the more planning is needed. Seeing friends in Los Angeles entails a lot of driving, which typically requires advanced scheduling. Other places, such as New York, which are more densely populated and easily accessible via subway systems, are a bit more prone to spontaneous convenings.
When I discussed with
the spontaneity of NY versus. LA, we wondered if part of it was due to age, rather than place. Both of us lived in New York during our 20’s to early 30’s, which was a period also marked with more free time and less responsibility.The scale of a place doesn’t always determine the ease of social gatherings. My friend Zandie, who lived 8 years in Beijing and Shanghai, said: “There was a real spontaneity that the urban fabric enabled which enabled powerful connections with people because we were all able to be in flow with each other. And in that way, there was also a flow of ideas.”
Quantity vs. Quality
Spontaneity may come more easily when our social circles are small. My friend Gala reflected on her tight-knit group of friends in Venezuela, in comparison to her extensive networks in New York:
“You can really build solid friendships when you don’t have that many options. I think the city [New York] gives you this false sense of community and of always being surrounded with people. But you’re really meeting people at a surface level. You’re never going that deeply in friendships. And the second I left the city the majority of those friendships fizzled out.”
What we define as friendship in the US is also widely different from other cultures. My friend Michael, who moved to Portugal a couple years ago, explained:
“The word ‘friendship’ in the US doesn’t mean the same thing as it means in other places. Friendship is a really elastic word in the US that can mean ‘I know that person,’ to ‘They’re an acquaintance that I say hello to,’ or ‘Someone that I even hang out with but that I would never speak about who I am, or my fears, because there’s some distance.’ To most people I know here [in Portugal], that’s not friendship, that’s someone you kind of know.”
As a result, Americans may consider a broad array of acquaintances as “friends.” Whereas in Europe most people can count on one hand how many friends they have.
Cold Walls
A few of my friends spoke about the challenge of making friends in various cultural contexts. As
pointed out: “France has a not un-founded reputation of being hard to penetrate. And people really stick to the group that they grew up with. There’s a sense of tight circles, and people stay friends for a very very long time.”It can take a while to get to know French people. They may seem cold at first, or perhaps reserved, but I think they’re sort of like cats: they need to scope people out, observe, and slowly build trust.
noted the same thing about Sweden: “When I first moved to Sweden, I was like ‘Wow! people are so cold and off-putting and nobody wants to talk to you.’ And then I slowly realized that it just requires time. And people don’t have that superficial sense of ‘oh hey how are you? We should get together!’ when they don’t actually mean that. ” She adds: “France is similar. There’s just no “extra.” If they want to have dinner with you, they’re going to state that but there’s not going to be some additional layer of glitter – which is what we do here, a LOT.”Despite both of us having lived in the States for a long time, we tend to now prefer the more European side, which “may be cold but feels more honest.” Though our ideal expression of friendship would be “somewhere in the middle.”
For others, that coldness impedes connection. My friend Rachel, who grew up in England but lived in Italy for years, struggled to make friends once she moved to Sweden. She explained the Nordic approach: “You don’t fluctuate up and down with your emotions, with your loudness, your exuberant joy of life. It’s just not done and it’s definitely not done in public. They actually have a word for it – ‘lagem’ and it means ‘even-keel.’”
She also describes the sudden dynamic switch when alcohol was involved: “The social scene was focused on alcohol so there was this contrasting abrasive liberation of their behavior through alcohol. And I didn’t trust it, even though I was a drinker too. I didn’t trust this shift that came up: the fun and exuberance felt fake to me, because it felt like a reaction to their social conditioning. And the social conditioning felt like a judgment from one to another, a self-monitoring.”
Warm Facades
On the other end of the spectrum, anyone who has lived, or even visited the States, comments on how friendly Americans are. When my French friends visit me in LA, they always appreciate the warmth, openness and curiosity they encounter here. They’re surprised by how easily Americans spark conversations, invite you over, or share their life story – within the first few minutes of meeting.
That kind of friendliness can feel very welcoming, especially to a newcomer. But when one lives here (especially on the West Coast), it can at times feel confusing or overwhelming. As
pointed out: “There’s also a tendency here for exuberance. It’s almost kind of intense. You’re like ‘OK this is well meaning and you’re excited about this thing. But It’s too much too soon.”The American pendulum of sharing seems to swing to both extremes. On one hand, we overshare with strangers, and on the other hand we don’t reveal our true selves to our close relationships. On this subject
added: “This is what we do in American culture: we have these facades. And what is happening behind, who knows. And then you sort of feel ‘Is everyone just putting a facade? Am I putting on a facade?’”It can sometimes feel that this friendly disposition is motivated by a desire to be perceived in a positive light, rather than a curiosity to connect with someone. Since moving to Portugal, my friend Michael has been learning a whole new way of friendship: “For some of the other people I’ve met, friendship is about letting people see the messy parts of yourself, the parts of yourself that are not polished or composed, or maintained for that illusion of control. But it’s been hard to unlearn that…”
American Time is Money
The undercurrent of American social dynamics seems to be deeply embedded in the cultural motto of “time is money,” which also translates to “relationships are currency.”
Michael noted: “Even if you don’t totally subscribe to it, there is a way in which you live in the US, you are in competition with everyone else for the finite slice of pie. And I wonder if that colors how people are with each other. I’ve definitely observed in the US many more relationships or friendships that I would actually see as forms of career advancement, or forms of status advancement. They’re relationships but friendship is probably not the right word.”
That approach isn’t simply due to an inherent cultural ambition but also driven by the reality of financial pressure. As Zandie described: “In the States, the cost of living is so high that every minute of every day counts. So God forbid you waste an hour, spending time with someone who brings you no new information or value to your work or life….”
I’ve noticed how that also translates to the popularity of paid services in the US, in comparison to Europe. Michael described Portuguese friendships: “When you call someone your friend here, it’s supposed to mean that their car breaks down on the street and you’re there. There’s no question of asking whether or not ‘Oh can I make the time?’” Whereas in the US, we would call AAA. In the same vein, if your friend gets sick in Europe, you’d probably drop off homemade soup, but in the US, you’re more likely to rely on food delivery.
The very act of “spending time” with someone in the US entails money – whether it’s meeting a friend at a restaurant, movie, or even coffee. In places like New York or LA, a casual get together can quickly turn into a financial burden. As
pointed out: “In the States, there is a sense of ‘You must consume in order to have a presence.’”
Social and Environmental Factors
Other countries, including France, rely much more on public spaces, such as parks and free concerts, plays, talks etc. Sadly in the US, public gardens or other free gathering spaces are always threatened by corporate business developers.
discussed how architecture also influences human (dis)connection: “New York has increasingly hostile architecture. They’ve quite literally designed the benches so you cannot lie on them. They take seats away at the bus stops so all you can do is lean. It doesn’t facilitate conversation, rest, ease, or leisure. Everything is very much around functionality and keeping people on the move, by design.”Beyond environmental structures that facilitate interaction, Europe is also known for its social services, offering free or affordable healthcare, child care, and education. I’ve often wondered how that contributes to human relationships, including friendships. With Kristine, we talked about what happens when “everyone has their basic needs met” and “how that also plays into people’s free time to explore their own passions and also make time for the people they care about…”
On the other hand, friendships can become even more vital when there is a lack of infrastructure. Gala shares of her experience growing up in Venezuela: “In Venezuela, you have no support whatsoever politically. The only support you have is community: it’s your friends, your family. So I think community becomes much more important when you don’t have any infrastructure.”
This week’s audio episode of ‘Cultural Friendships’ is available below.
I’ve also asked my friends to share the best gift they’ve received from a friend, in the form of something to SEE, HEAR, SMELL, TASTE, TOUCH, BALANCE, and ENVISION.
